Well, here I am, sitting at my computer at 3:00 am in the morning, in my work uniform, writing this article for all of you. I HOPE YOU ARE HAPPY.
Ok, enough about that, time to start the real, main chunk of the post.
Todays Information: My take on 3 of the Classes.
When you look at that title, you may be thinking “but Karl, we already know all about the classes! You need not tell us about them!”
If you are thinking that right now, then you are obviously a lying communist, who needs to be stapled to a wall, then beaten to death with a strip of sheet metal.
This Article is on 3 classes only, as I have personal views on these, and feel I need to get them out in the open.
– Lets start with the Guardian, we all know, that the Guardian will be mainly a solo class, that means they have huge strength and abilitys that complement the player.
What you dont know is, this class was created for epileptic twelve year olds, with sweaty, bulbous claws for hands, that flail out uncontrollably at random objects.
Why else would they make a class that requires you to sit there and ‘flail’ out at a number on the keyboard corresponding to the hotkey for your special attacks. (Alternativly, you could go play Counterstrike, as they have a similar system called ‘camping with awps wtf’)
It all boils down to being completly lazy, and Turbine made this class for all the people who cant lift their hand higher than the mouse, so therefore, not much work will be involved.
Some people say that I’m immature when it comes to being professional, but I actually pride myself on that. I would also like to take this opportunity to point out that all people who play this class are fat.
– Next in the beating line is the Captain, we all know that this is a support/solo class, which is similar to the Guardian, which is only avaliable to Man, what you dont know about it is, that when creating a Captain character, the game will ask you a series of questions, such as: “Are you a Homosexual?”, “Have you had any experiance with having no hands/feet?”, “Do you enjoy looking at pictures of TubGirl, and/or Goatse?”.
if you answer ‘no’ to any of these questions, the game instantly uninstalls itself, then uploads viruses to your computer, such viruses include “Viritual Birdflu” and “This is the name of the virus” Virus.
After that, the game disk will explode (even if its not in your CD drive) then you will suddenly die, and all of your family and immediate family will utter a collective gasp, then wonder who the body on the floor belongs to. You think im joking wonderboy? Just go ahead and try it sucker.
However, if you answer yes to all of these questions, you will be treated to a flashing message on screen that subconsciously says “kill you parents” before the game uninstalls itself. Only 2 people in the entire beta managed to actually play as the Captain, the first person was the class creator of Turbine, and the other was Chuck Norris.
– The third class for the electic chair is the Burglar, as you all know, this class is a stealth, hit and run tactics, similar to the Rouge from World Of Warcraft (I have an excellent movie making Rouge, so if you want to make a movie starring my character, drop me a line and we’ll talk about pricing). What you dont know about this class, is that this class is better known in the beta as the “OH MY GOD LOOK OUT BEHIND YOU BLAARGH!” class.
Burglars are for the hardcore PvMP’er. Thats it. There is no PvE content for the Burglar.
Im just kidding, there is PvE content, but the game has been patched to fix bugs in the Burglar system.
- Grass can no longer unstealth burglars.
- Burglars can no longer hack into “The Matrix” while stealthed, Neo had problems with being ganked by invisible hobbits.
- Burglars names Bilbo or Frodo, or any other spinoff of the names, will have their accounts perma banned, and millions of dollars billed to their credit card.
- Air molecules no longer kill Burglars, however, pointy air molecules still can.
- Burglars can no longer Burgle peoples house in RL.
- Gravity has been set to ‘0’ for burglars. How else would they be invisible if they werent smkoing something strong?
In addition to these lore changes, Turbine have also given the Burglars imense strength, ability to use all weapons, and the ability to transform into a dragon, they did this because they realised that the Burglars were the best class in the game and therefore, should be the only class.
Thanks for reading my first article, if you have any problems with my article (spelling errors, discrimination against Guardians etc, send me an email at: firstname.lastname@example.org)